Coaching at a bar
How a conversation strengthened a friendship and revealed new possibilities
Coaching is one of the main tools that a leader can use to bring the best out of their team members - help them feel valued in the work environment, solve a particular business problem, and most importantly - discover their superpowers. As I found out, there are situations in which coaching can be efficiently applied outside of the context of daily work as well. In this recollection, I’d like to describe one of my first “a-ha” coaching moments. Thanks to active listening and asking open-ended questions, I felt joy of helping my friend explore his problem and identify the suitable solution - all of this outside of the professional environment. It was truly an eye-opening experience that showed how positively friendships can be influenced by asking questions.
In this brief recount, I focus on the following effects of coaching:
Asking initial questions and applying clarifying questions to find out the true issue at hand;
Focusing on the issue and trying to understand the current situation with the intention of exploring options to choose.
On one beautiful evening I’m having the pleasure of seeing one of my long-time friends. I would describe him as a positive and an even-keeled individual. A devoted family man. Having a successful career where he leads a group of highly committed specialists. I’ve already known him during university times and one of his traits that I admire is his by-the-book, methodical way to learn new things and adopt new mindsets, almost as if he had a manual for that. Foremost, he almost always (sorry man!) finds time to go for a drink when I’m around 😏
We met at a bustling pub, the evening just beginning. I’m sitting opposite to both of my (friends). When faced with the usual question about how things are going for me, I begin my lamentation about how hard it is to get good quality sleep.
It’s exactly this topic that sheds some light on my friend’s issue, one - as I would later find out - thought that I’d never expect to hear.
- I haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep for the last year-and-a-half…
The coaching cogwheels in my brain start slowly engaging.
- How’s that possible? - I ask.
- Well, I’m stressed about paying a debt back to my brother. In fact, I would’ve been less stressed, had I been obliged to pay it back to a bank or some other institution. Apart from the obvious goal that he’d like to reach - getting quality sleep - I continued to build my understanding of the situation further.
- So your brother is reminding you about it or what?
- No. I’m on track with repaying him and he’s absolutely chill about it.
Having met his family before, I’d always known them to be exceptional people. At this point I’m on the edge of my seat. I want to find out more.
- What else could be putting weight on your shoulders then?
- Oh man, I don’t know. It’s just the thought of my wife and kids, and not letting them down in any way.
- Have you perhaps wondered if there are other things causing you so much worry?
- We’re all good with each other… if anything, it’s our parents who have been acting a bit weird, for as long as I remember.
That’s my cue!
- A bit weird? - I asked.
- They keep asking “How are things between you and your brother? Are they all good?”. They keep second-guessing that we’ve made this agreement between us and just won’t stop asking about it. “Are you sure this thing won’t cause both of you to have a bad relationship?
- Well, I think you have your work cut out for you.
There was a brief moment of silence, both of us witnessing a moment of illumination, with my buddy coming to a realization that there’s a more deeply rooted cause than what he thought before. I was rewarded with a brief moment of satisfaction by having found the right questions and not being content with the first answer that he gave.
I used the GROW method (Goal, Reality, Options, Way forward) to guide our conversation: first understanding his goal—getting better sleep—then exploring the reality of his situation and potential options for moving forward.
A seasoned coach would immediately point out to me that I missed out on a couple of things:
Exploring the possible options to take;
Discussing the way forward.
After realizing that I haven’t touched both of the points above, I followed up with him some time after.
- “Being presented with the right questions and having the opportunity to form a fully thought-through answer - doesn’t happen very frequently nowadays” was his main takeaway. “It’s something that I’m trying to master as well. I think it could be especially useful in negotiations and one-on-one discussions with my team” he continued.
- “Did our last chat help you find the right approach?”
- “I have to double down on paying that off - it’s the best way of getting out of this situation” - he replied with confidence. “I cherish that we had this discussion. I think I’m more aware of the problem and how I need to solve it”.
Reflecting on this experience, I see the impact that coaching can bring to our personal lives, not just in professional settings. We often forget that the skills we develop in one area of our lives can be transformative in others. This conversation was not just about solving a problem but about deepening a friendship and understanding the value of taking a coaching approach beyond the work environment.
As you finish reading this, I’d like to leave you with the final thought:
How do the skills that you daily rely on can be adapted to enrich your personal relationships and broaden your approach to the challenges outside of work?